-faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death-
i walk thru each day travelling on to the next day
recently hit the two year mark of no meth
or what i thought was
starting to wonder if anything was real
i know it was
but it is all so far from now
i dream and it becomes reality again
but no one mentions
you would think they would
if i was as close to death as they thought
as close as i thought
feel like 5 stripped years have been torn off my back
feel lost in this fog
bad choices
fun times
defined me
and now
its gone.
not that i want to go back
but i want someone to remember i was there
god it was fun
no pills now even dull the pain
but they make the day time hours bearable
almost two years passing
hardly a relief
tweaking slumbers fake rest
woken to ritualistic normaility
end this constant agony
of a life made slow
life
the endless adventure
overcome one enormous feat
and face another
deisre to end
everything that does not go according to plan
which happens to be almost everything
desire to not end everything
and live forever
the art
is the balance between
what we want
and what we despise
everything
i pull and tug and try to steamline the feed from my mind
but the catch remains as an old dripping wet boot
days or nights? must decide today which i would rather work. i did enjoy working night shift.
all stoned and can't think
am going to bed now without drugs. i will see what is what today i suppose. till then
woke up with the sweats yesterday afternoon. did not really like it, not at all. it is very hard to just go to sleep with taking a couple percs when they are staring me in the face right now. i wish i knew why i did this to myself- constantly having some sort of addiction...
another night where i must remain awake for i am working night shift currently. have not touched any meth or speed since i posted last that i had, but i have been favoring the pain killers lately. telling myself that i am only taking them because they make time more enjoyable, or so that that i can sleep better. truth is i have what they call an addictive personality. if it is not one thing then it is another. i am more functional in society this way, but i do not think i will remain that way forever if i continue on.
someone just called me to go out tonight. just drinking not drugs, so i am ok there. it is a two hour drive there though. not sure if i really want to drive two hours. im tired and i worked all day, but i cant hide at home on halloween weekend. ugh, why couldnt it be closer.
its friday! kinda feels like friday but not really since i have to work in the morning. sadly i must get the normal things in order before i wish to retire for the evening. hopefully i will still be motivated to post later, but for now i must harvest all motivaton for necessary activities. until then
staring at the two seperate bags of percocets i have recently obtained from someone (work related pains that put any slumber to an abrupt halt), i wonder how far from any addiction i ever really got. must i always rely on something for everything? i know (at least i think) for now this is better than crystal meth, but is still bad. without the percs i cannot sleep and i cannot work functional the next day. i dont know what to do with everything. this is not fucking up my life but will it? i have to sleep or i will fuck up work and without work i will go back to speed, no doubt about it. work is what keeps me speed free. lose the motivation and lose the will. this is the same damn argument that i had with myself when i started geting hardcore into the meth world. need speed to work- sleep wasteful. more money = ability to go back to school. that never happened though....
psychedelic metaphor enormous impression scream absurd music
color rhythm sculpt angry pictures model life
create surreal elaborate experiments which lie
mount grace long winter sleep voids sense
since i quit, i have not wanted to use crystal meth as bad as i do right now. i feel my brain secretly plotting on how i can acquire some and make it ok. this is scary shit and i have to figure things out. these gorillas that i live with feed off of my pain and at times it is like they can read my mind and do all that they can to drive me back to drugs.
ugh i want to nap... bah i want to write, maybe i will nap for a bit
i think my body and myself is starting to return to normal. still smoking a little pot on the drive home from work, but it is better than the alternative. i cant wait for tomorrow night (i get sundays off work only) and am going to write something... not sure what yet, but i am
waking prior to alarm- scary
methinks loathsome discontent would almost sanctify melancholy
wherefore foul love hadst deceive slander speak poison
measure wicked grace villian quench thine mortal vile
loathe thee damn lordship therefore warrants farewell
